Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
