Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
