i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You are the jesus of drinking
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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