I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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