i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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