I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
