she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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