i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
