When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
