I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
