allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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