Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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