The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize