my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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