i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize