At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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