Your dad touched me again.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
