Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
