I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
being pregnant is like rehab
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
