Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
