So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize