i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
