Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
