dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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