I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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