I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
don't judge my taste in strippers
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
