just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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