No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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