dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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