i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
