Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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