I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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