I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
