HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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