Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
