2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
