cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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