you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
