We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
