she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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