my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
