i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
