i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize