that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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