dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
