Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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