Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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