cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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