ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
