Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
