Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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