I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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