Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's Friday. Sex?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize