hotel room ftw
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
