Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
