The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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